On Monday I got the terrible news that my brother’s best friend passed away.

I won’t go into details on his death. But I’ll say that our friend/brother deserved much, much, better. It truly breaks my heart. I cry whenever I think about it…

I met Melvin when I was about 6 years old. He was the first friend that my brother Francisco brought over to our apt when we’d first moved to the USA. My father had just bought my brothers the Super Nintendo and Melvin came over to play it. He was 14 years old. Melvin and his family quickly became a part of our family. And my mother and father loved Melvin like their own. We all did. He never crossed any boundaries with me. He gave me the nickname of “Oliva”, after Olive Oil from Poyeye. I was very thin as a child. It was cute lol. Only he could ever call me that.

When my family moved into our own house back in 1996, Melvin and his father shortly moved into one of the rooms in our basement apartment. Where they lived with us for 6 years. During this time AOL was released and Melvin had just bought a PC. He would let me go downstairs and play games on AOL, and to listen to music.

This next part is hard for me to write… this entire post has been me taking breaks to shed tears.

You don’t have to know me personally to see that I have an eclectic taste in music. In my playlist you will find music from a lot of different genres. I give Melvin the credit for introducing me to artists like Fiona Apple, Sublime, 311, Pearl Jam, Matchbox20, No Doubt— who’s album I borrowed for weeks at a time, The Goo Goo Dolls and many many others. He was also the first person close to me that I observed battle with mental health. It later helped me to identify what was going on with me when I had my own battles.

He moved out and relocated to Florida in 2002 and that was the very last time that many of us were able to see him. Again I won’t go into details but I tell him how much I loved and will always love him. How thankful I am that I have these core memories with him. And how much I’m sorry that things went the way they did for him. It’s just heartbreaking. But I know his soul will grow and learn from this and that’s why we come here to have this human experience. So it wasn’t all for nothing. He left a beautiful legacy within all of whom his light touched while he was Earth side.

I drove to NY on Friday night after work and the following day a group of us ventured to go pay our respects to the family and to bury his body. The service was beautiful.

I was able to see my brother spend time with his group of friends and break bread with them and hear their stories lol. My brothers were more knuckle headed than I knew! Hahaha! I really hope they’re able to reunite more often under happier circumstances.

As for me? This will probably my last time visiting New York for a very, very, very, long time. If ever.

Thank you for reading just a little bit about what our (because I can speak for my brothers and myself) brother Melvin will always mean to us.

Love, light, the shadow too—- Cin.

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Hello, I hope you’re well. Myself? I’m making my way towards better days. Each passing day is a better day. Please, let’s all try and remind ourselves of this ever so often. I don’t know if it’s depression or the grief or both? Or could it be the things going on behind the scenes IE: work, finances, my sensitivity. Yes, my sensitivity plays a part. You see, I always feel the emotions of others, I’m what is know as an empath. And sometimes I feel too many feelings and it’s hard to decipher if it’s my own or that of others. But, I’m learning to work with my crystals and other methods to protect myself from that. The easiest way is to visualize a white loving, protective light around you. Picture it sorta like a cocoon and expand that light. Do this from time to time.

My father’s oldest sister passed away on Friday Jan 17th. And that sorta just pushed things to the surface—many emotions that I had put in little boxes and stored in the back of my mind and heart.

The feelings sorta feel foreign at first. I just know that I feel off and not myself. And then it turns into anxiety, depression, anger, and this is what’s wild about this grief thing. The fact that regardless of how many times I go through these episodes the reason behind it all always is the last thing that I think of “I am mourning my mother.” I miss my mother. And don’t get me wrong, I know that she’s here with me right now. As soon as I think her. I know she comes. But I miss our interaction. And those hugs, one of a kind! And then I will randomly burst into tears. Silent tears usually. Or a real good ugly cry in the shower. Although, in our household it is known that if I am crying, it’s because I miss my mother. Unless I state otherwise lol. It helps avoid the questions, and I get space, and extra hugs and kisses.

Now that I have survived several of these moments, I am better at identifying it for what it is. My grief just showing its face. And what choice do I have other than to face it head on? Ride the waves of emotions, and remind myself that tomorrow will be a better day. But this is something else that I had to learn. Because I have learned so much! But I’ll leave that for another post.

I deleted Instagram from my cellphone. I feel lighter, believe it or not. The last time that I was on it was earlier this week. Wednesday Jan 22nd maybe? (I added the date for my own records) Back to my point…The last time that I was on Instagram I kept feeling frustrated? Overstimulated? Disgust? This is a perfect example of how my sensitivity can take its toll. I just knew that I needed a break. I wont lie and say that while I’m on my phone’s Home screen, I don’t catch myself scrolling to the left, to the left to go on Instagram. Only to remember that I deleted it. What have I been doing? I keep myself busy reading, studying, playing games on apps, talking to people Via text lol. And I am OFF the phone more now. I just do something else. I am trying to hold out until March but lets see.

I went to the Lake again last week. I had been wanting to go back but just never got around to it. It was either too cold, windy, raining, snow, it was too dark. But the stars aligned (me being dramatic) and I was able to go! I leave you with these beautiful images.

Love and light, Cin.

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73| UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN

07 | BETTER DAYS