43| TRIGGERED
This post wasn’t really planned and probably is not going to be organized. I am just writing what’s coming from my heart at this exact moment.
October came and went, and only three days into November I am able to tell myself, this is why you’ve been feeling some type of way lately. You my dear, are being triggered. when October hits, there’s the countdown for Halloween. Whether it be from my son, the commercials, nature lol… The signs are everywhere! It is the Fall and with the Fall starts the “Holiday” season that many of you love so much. Don’t get me wrong, I love that others enjoy this time of the year. That it makes them come alive! But it doesn’t do the same for me. And the main reason being that my mom departed during this time. She passed away unexpectedly on 12/29/2017. And everything changed. Everything.
I feel her so much during this time. And since I feel her, it makes me miss her physical presence even more. I said it before and it won’t be the last time but—Everything changed! The dynamics within my family has changed so, so, much. I feel a huge disconnect from my father, and I feel like it’s beyond repair. So much work would need to be done to fix that relationship, and I just don’t have it in me to be the only one putting that work in. These feelings take me back to my lifetime as Eric. The intense feeling of abandonment. I feel like I lost my mother and father that dreadful morning. It’s hard because I don’t recognize the person that he’s become. Hey, he might say the same about me. We all lost a piece of ourselves when she went away. I just had the hope that it would bring everyone closer. And am accepting that this isn’t the reality. But, it still hurts from time to time. The type of hurt that’s always there, but you just learn to live with. Grief. That’s the name. Grief... And she is a mofo!
Ways that I cope during this time of the year? Here’s just a few, in case you too get the blues, for whatever reason.
I avoid the radio stations. Some are already playing Christmas music as I type this. So, I stream my curated playlists. I don’t even want to risk the streaming service sneaks in “Come Home For Christmas” or “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”, because if they come on at the wrong time? I will ugly cry or get into a mood.
I avoid shopping in stores. Last year and the year before that I got all of gift shopping done online. I didn’t have to step foot inside of a store. And if I did, it would be a quick stop, and to stores that do not play music while you shop. This also helped me save money by not buying crap I didn’t need.
I am transparent with others. Whether it be co workers or friends, I tell people… Hey, if I seem a little quiet, or distant it’s because this time of the year is difficult for me and when I feel triggered I tend to just get a little quiet or need some time to myself to collect my thoughts and to check in with myself. That’s all it takes.
I let the emotions out. A rule in my house is if mom is crying is probably because she misses her mom. I always encourage others to let the emotions just flow through, so I give myself that same courtesy. Holding your shit in is not healthy for you. Literally! It’ll show up in other ways. Weight gain/loss, hair loss, fatigue, cancer, stress, etc etc etc. Sometimes I have an ugly cry shower sesh (session). And if you’re embarrassed about crying, people will just assume your eyes are red because of the water. Another way to let them out? Writing. Burn the paper if you fear someone will read, or soak the paper with water, crumble up and throw away. Just get the emotions out. You’ll feel lighter! (Just writing this is making me feel better, it’s taking my mind off of things.)
I also tend to deactivate my Social Media accounts during that time and come back after the new year. It hasn’t come to that point yet.
Anyway, I just had the urge to put my shit down somewhere other than my heart and mind, and hoping to reach someone that can relate. Let this be a reminder that we are have internal battles that we’re fighting, some not as apparent as others. And to be kind. You don’t want to be the reason someone decides to check out. Be the reason someone decides that Humanity isn’t all the way fucked up. Just do the best you can even if that best doesn’t look the same everyday.
Love, light, the shadow too, Cin.