I’m only opening up and sharing here because I feel guided by my ancestors and angels to do so. And if this resonates with at least one person and that one person walks away feeling a little more at ease or less alone. That’s enough of a reason for me to want to share.

A little background about myself. I can be going through hell. I could be hanging on by a thread. Could be screaming from inside my being. But on the outside you’d never notice.

I sometimes struggle with that part of myself. I go back and forth from voicing what’s going on inside me with someone close. To then going back within and just keeping it in. Working through it. Whether with meditation, self reflecting, journaling, shadow work etc. Or even therapy. Which is what I’m leaning towards at the moment.

One of the reasons why I go back and forth from voicing to working through it on my own is that I don’t like to burden others with my problems. Which is why I am leaning towards therapy again.

These years since and slightly prior to my mom’s passing have been trying. A lot of lessons and a lot of highs and lows. Times where I’ve had to pick myself up from the floor or bed to keep going. What I miss the most about my mother is that she loved me unconditionally. I could tell her anything and she’d know what to say even if she felt she didn’t. Her words and hugs always helped. Now I have to turn to her for guidance in other ways. Asking her for signs, and to see her in my dreams. Ay mami. Tu negrita si que esta dolida sin ti.

I’ve been taking a lot of time to self reflect and see where I have played a role in the way things are at the moment. How they’ve been for a while. And it’s taken me on a journey that feels even more alone in a way. It’s a journey back to myself and a journey towards growth.

Today, I find myself crying on and off to release the build up. Crying is a great way of releasing energy.

I know I’m not from Earth. I know my Home is elsewhere and that my time here is not unending. The energies here feel so heavy at times, feel like a lot. Often times it’s the energy of others that I am absorbing so I am working on protecting my energy more. And am hoping to find a balance where I can do that and still be out there. I feel like I’ve pulled myself back from a lot of things, people and places. But I also don’t feel like “I am missing out”. Please if you know me personally, and feel like I have been distant from you it’s not you. It’s me. I try to also be alone when I don’t want my low vibes affecting others. Nature is calling. Loudly. I need to ground. To center.

See? This is why I encourage journaling and writing down your thoughts. I’ll go to the lake today after work and head to the gym after.

The gym has been a great way to take whatever emotions I am feeling, whether good or bad and turn that energy into something productive. My body and health.

I also am aware of the many things that I have to be thankful for. I remind myself of this often. I also speak positivity into my life. But, that isn’t always a cure all. Sometimes you have to just surrender and feel what you need to feel.

The hardest part about adulting is having to do all of your day to day responsibilities while you’re falling apart from the inside out. No one ever tells you that, or maybe they do and we didn’t listen?

“I have everything I need already within me. I Am powerful enough to heal, grow and evolve through any situation or emotional pain.” ~ excerpt from Remember Who the Fuck You Are by Candyss Love

Thanks for reading and stepping inside my truth for a moment.

Love, light, the shadow too—- Cin.

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