It’s Tuesday and I got the urge to write and open up about one of the biggest things that I have had to heal from. It’s still an ongoing process but I’ve noticed that a lot of what I’ve seen online is the happy parts of other people’s journeys. It’s like many are afraid to be vulnerable. And I get it. I totally get it. I too have gone back and forth regarding to what I was willing to allow myself to open up about not so happy parts in this space. But today something felt different. So, here I am… Going with the flow.

A little back story… My mother passed away unexpectedly on 12/29/2017. I was at work at that time. I got a text from Joe who had stopped by to drop of our son telling me that my mom wasn’t feeling well. And to call the house to see what she’d tell me.

My oldest brother lives out of state and he was here to bring in the New Year as he always does. At this time he went to the Pharmacy to pick something up to see if it helped with her symptoms. I called the house immediately and spoke with my mom. She said that her arm was hurting her, and that she felt shortness of breath and a pressure in her chest. I told her to get ready to go to the ER that Id call my brother to let him know. When I called him he was pulling into the driveway. I told him to rush her to the ER which was a 8 minute drive away and to do so immediately because I didn’t like the sound of things.

He did just that. Rushed my mom to the Hospital where shortly after being laid on the stretcher she had a massive heart attack. She didn’t make it.

At this point I was working as my father’s caregiver. I’d began doing that in January of 2017. And continued doing so until 2020/21? Time blurs for me when I think back. And during the Fall of 2020 my father began getting to know a woman in the Dominican Republic (without anyone’s knowledge). Soon after in December he went to DR and met her. A few months after that in July he went back and married her. She has two daughters and is much, much younger than he is.

Throughout all of this I was going to counseling on and off and also reading a lot of self help and positive books. I sat down and had a deep conversation with my father about how things in the past have affected me in my adult years. I opened up about not wanting to work as his caregiver anymore because I’d noticed that certain boundaries were being crossed and it was affecting our father daughter dynamic even more. And I really wanted to work on that with him. And I expressed to him what I needed from him for our relationship to flourish. Simple things really. I’d asked for him to call me when I wasn’t there just to see how I was doing or to ask about my day or to speak with his grandson. Honestly? That was is really. I shared how I felt like I had lost both my mother and father when my mom passed. I was also sure to tell him how I couldn’t even fathom the loss or pain that he’d felt when he lost her. But I am reaching out trying to tug at my father for support so that we could be there for each other more and grow closer. He apologized and said he’d do his part. Unbeknownst to me he was already in the process of making wedding plans.

Now I want to put this out here before I continue. I am in no way trying bash, or judge my father. I’ve told him and everyone else (specially those that are judging him) that I have no problem with my father being in a new relationship or mad that he even wanted one. I didn’t expect him to be alone forever. I ultimately wanted and still want the best for him and for him to be happy.

Anyway, the rest of the details are neither here or there. But I just wanted to share that to give you some background as to why moving forward, I won’t be as present in his life.

Throughout all of this I have heard lies that he’s said about myself. Saying that I didn’t want him to come live in my house with me. When it had been previously discussed that he’d sell his house and we could take some of that money to build him an apartment in my basement. I don’t know exactly what else he has said about me but that’s one of the major things that stood out for me. I was shocked to hear that to be honest. Also, the secrecy around his decision making. I found out about his relationship and plans from other people not him. The way that he told me about it was by saying that “Lari picked out rings.” To which I replied “Who the heck is Lari?”

I’ll give him some credit… He told me a few months ago that she and her daughters would have her fingerprints done. To which I thanked him for letting me know. And told him I was happy that he would finally have all of that behind him. And I wished him the best.

She is now here. She arrived on 12/3 and he still hasn’t told me that she’s here or told anyone really that she was arriving on that day.

Black Friday weekend was spent in the attic of his house. I was clearing my things out and anything of my mother’s that remained. Why? Because again I had heard from a third and fourth party of her impending arrival and I wanted to be proactive. Before leaving I sat down and got emotional. I cried and spoke to him from the heart. I told him that I didn’t think I’d be able to step foot inside that house again after that day. How I’d still call him and check on him, and whenever he wanted to see me or see my son he can call and I’ll gladly pick him up and we can come back to my house or go out to eat or somewhere to spend time together. How I still care about him and wish him the best. But I can’t be a part of this new life. Not yet anyway.

Friends of the family and family members are still not understanding or fully respecting my boundaries when it comes to that. And when it comes to my son. I’ve already said it multiple times. I don’t want to be around it. I don’t want my son around it. But people will still say “Well, if I’m there he can be…”

No. means no.

This part of my healing journey reminds me of the one past life of mine…Read about it here. This is why when I had that past life regression I was stunned to realize that the past life that I tapped into was pertinent to the path that I was on and the issues that I was facing. And that’s when I decided that I must overcome this in this lifetime. Because I don’t want to face this lesson again.

I’ll continue opening up about this as time passes. Until then, thank you for your time.

Love, light, the shadow too—-Cin.

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