46| ACCEPTANCE

This year has surely come in with a bang. Energetically for me it has. Things that I could ignore in the past, truths that I used to avoid facing, I simply cannot. To be honest, I felt a switch around the month of July. I woke up one morning and just felt, different. Like if something had switched. I actually wondered if I had jumped into another timeline because everything just felt different. And its been that way since. I’ve also been getting more clarity. I have been trying to look at everything from different perspectives. I tend to overthink, and want things to be perfect, and that often leads to me just talking myself out of shit. I can see when I am doing that now and nip it. Patience is one thing that I really need during this time. To trust that as long as I am doing my part in aligning myself with the future/life that I want, whatever is for me will find its way to me. I also listen to what my gut tells me to do. For example yesterday…

It was Sunday and since I wasn’t going to wash my hair (Sundays are usually my selfcare days) and the outdoor temperature wasn’t too low, I made the time to show up (a future post is loading on this subject) for myself, and went to my little corner of the World where I can go and be and soak up some sun rays, and spend time with God outside and spend time with the Nature Spirits. Allowing them to work on me and to assist me energetically and spiritually. I usually take a lot of pictures while I am there. But yesterday, I really wanted to be in the moment and just soak it all in. I am glad that I did that because today has been interesting to say the least. Busy day at work, one of the busiest days thus far. And, overall I just feel that it helped prepare me for the remainder of this week. Here are some pictures:

My favorite shoes at the moment. Imma wear these bad boys in the Springtime time too!

I have been back and forth with my personal Instagram account. Some days it’s too much for me. I feel overwhelmed. And other things that I’ll keep to myself for now.

I’d like to ask for prayers and some good vibes please. I think thats something we all need more of. Prayers, and others praying for us.

I pray for you.

Love, light, and the shadow too—Cin.

39| WOULD YOU HAVE GUESSED?

Please play along with me here… Take a moment and look at the following pictures of myself. I promise I am not being vain. Go ahead click on each picture and take some time.

Now, after looking at them… Did you see how depressed I’ve been? Did you see how anxiety has my entire nervous system on fight or flight mode? Did you see how the week before my birthday the thought of suicide crossed my mind? That I sat down and tried to imagine a World without me in it?

I share all of that to show you that mental health doesn’t discriminate. Whether you’re white, black, brown, yellow, orange, or blue… As long as you have a brain and a soul while having a human experience— you too could be affected. I beg you to keep this in mind when you’re living your daily life. Everyone is battling something. Everyone. The person with the most amount of money in the World is probably battling something. Even those in the limelight suffer from mental health problems. I’ve been dealing with depression on and off since the age of 12, and anxiety? Let me just say that one of the earliest memories I have is me being 3/4 years old anxious a/f due to something that wasn’t in my control. Mental health conditions vary and show up differently.

I can’t sit here and tell you what to do to get better. But I can tell you a few things that I do when I feel like I can’t go on. Yes, trying to imagine a World without myself in it is grim as fuck. But it helps me see things from another perspective. I was recently reminded that sometimes that’s all it takes. To change perspectives when it comes to things in life. While imagining this World I saw a son that was heartbroken, I know the pain of losing a mother (my mom passed away in 12/2017) all too well. I couldn’t imagine choosing that for him as well. I see my partner hurting as well, asking himself questions. I see my siblings as well lost and confused, wondering how they could’ve lost the two women in the family. I see my business never growing, I see myself never fully coming into my gifts, I see myself not spreading the love that I have inside. I see so much being cut short. And I don’t want that! I have come too far to just call it quits here.

Another thing that I do is I communicate how I am feeling to those that are closest to me. I refer to them as “check ins”. It could be a text “Hey just checking in and wanted to let you know how I’ve been feeling…” And I try to communicate what I need from them as well “I’d like to go out to lunch sometime soon, I need to get out of the house.” Simple. It also creates a safe space for the other person to open up if they’re feeling the same way as you. Odds are you’re not alone. But even if you are—you aren’t because there’s still support out there. I hope that makes sense. For those that I don’t reach out to, one way you can tell I am having a hard time is when I disappear from social media. IF I am not posting on my stories as much.

I also have professionals that I can reach out to when I need. My therapist is literally a call and a message away.

And being honest with yourself. If you can’t do that then who else can you be honest with? Be honest about how you’re feeling, about what is bothering you, sit and think about what needs to change for you to be better.

It is also important to hold space for those that you love and are close to. We are human. We will mess up. We won’t answer every text message that we receive, as we won’t get a response from everyone that we send out. I will speak for myself when I say that I try my best with everything I do. But that won’t look the same from day to day. I give myself that grace, time, patience and understanding. I do my best at extending that same courtesy to others. I feel that life is too short to hold grudges and that life is too short to lose relationships over some miscommunication.

Suicide has affected my family directly when one of my cousins took his life. I think he was 19 when he did it. That was rough to overcome because I was in the midst of depression myself. He left us with many unanswered questions. Suicide doesn’t always result from something traumatic having happened during the days or hours leading up to it. For me when it enters the chat is when I’m feeling at my wits end. When I am feeling too much and am feeling tired of it all. His death has saved me more times than I can count.

Thank you so much for taking time to read this. If you’re feeling depressive, anxious, suicidal, reach out to someone.

~ Cin.